I am one of those unemployed people who have a hard time accepting just sitting with it. I need to move and I do that daily. I have three volunteer situations weekly and one of them had an appreciation afternoon today. It was held in a lovely country garden estate replete with sculptures, secret cabanas, fountains and whimsy. They fed us great food from a caterer who is also a volunteer. Pretty slick. I saw a friend who moved to San Francisco and that was a wonderful surprise. He is doing really, really well. He has done lots of hard work to get there.
And then the speeches and the volunteer awards were given. That is where I may have veered off and felt myself sag a bit. Many volunteers have been part of this organization for double digit years and they give so much. It is a blessed thing to see. Especially given the HIV diagnosed clients that are served from those efforts. For me, I am there to be of service and yet somehow the wonderful west county location still out of reach for my partner and I, country quiet and country dirt, and the accolades seemed to come to be equated, in my selfish mind, with success. I can make any bright event into a dark one if I begin to judge myself against the tapestry of what others have or do or get.
And then, I came across a blog by Kjerstin Gruys who has made the decision to not look in a mirror for a year as a test to gaining acceptance of herself. I have a similar need and yet it is the mirror I hold up to other's lives that causes me to reflect something that is not true about myself. I do need to see myself yet not through the reflection of others. Not that easy actually given our capitalistic culture.
A job equals success or maybe a type of job or just not being unemployed. For me, this continues to be my struggle. Where am I going and how am I gonna get there? Certainly not by viewing myself in someone's mirror. My wish is to celebrate the success of others in a loving way that holds the mirror for them to see themselves clearly. Loving kindness for me is the key to my own happiness even when they have something that I yearn to feel, have and do.
Take a look at the blog that I mentioned: http://www.ayearwithoutmirrors.com/
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