The Secret Decoder Ring

Things are moving quickly and it looks like our heroine may have an actual paycheck one day soon.  What a strange ride this week has been and I shall remain doubtful until the ink has dried.  Like riding the waves at Salmon Creek, this past week had multiple phone calls and energy and sideways potential rip currents that left me feeling disbelief.  However, just doing the grocery shopping tonight and being in Trader Joe's and REI in the same space of an hour blew on those coals hardly out of heat.

I have literally applied for hundreds of jobs in the last year and then some. Almost 95% of the employers never acknowledged my applications in any way.  Nothing. I came to feel that constant rebound of my qualifications in my flesh.  There is a rigid scar there where all that effluvia that bounced back, that dark rejection of self came back to cut and cause suffering.  Perhaps I had a choice in some instances how I might respond differently.  However, the lack of respect was astounding and cold.  I feel that in my thoughts as anger and shock still.  It is shocking how employers seem to view candidates. 

So I walk through these retail spaces with a view that has been tested.  I no longer simply appreciate their stage presence, I know what is behind the curtain.  Certainly young and pretty is the median.  Wacky is another facet and mostly with Trader Joe's.  The manager actually tilted his head back and looked down his nose at me when I asked if they would be hiring this fall.  Nice psychological profile buddy. I am simmering still with the impression that has been left with me by Whole Foods Market, Oliver's Market, Community Market, Grocery Outlet and Trader Joe's.

Though it seemed like a reasonable assumption over a year ago, that an entry level grocery stocker job was possible and heretofore aplenty, I came to realize that there is a secret club if you want to schlep cans and produce in a grocery store.  No one has the least bit of interest in you even if you are a dancing carrot too, unless you are wearing their secret decoder ring.

Dog Man Doody

I was so relieved today when the Vet. left me a message on my break at a volunteer stint at my favorite food bank, that my dog Jade made it through his surgery really well.  I was tense all day since I dropped him off.  He gets so very scared and his legs shake and he pants and tries to leave the Vet. lobby.  He is a big guy-80 something pounds on a good day. He is home now and sleeping it off.  We won't know about the pathology of his lump until next week.  First things first and howdy.

Jade seems to be getting very skinny and frail and yet he is the most stoic, gentle, human-like Greyhound in our small house.  I am grateful to a very wonderful Veterinarian who knows these dogs and is not only a dog person, but also a people person.  Dr. Nicole Canon rules.

And so I shall leave it at that tonight having had a day full of surprises and joy, relief and gratitude for the simplest act of getting my dog man doody home safe and sound today.  Thank you for his safe return.

Wrestling The Titanic From Its' Watery Grave

Today, though still very much unemployed( and yes I will keep on writing about it), I was able to spend time with two women whom I admire who are each struggling in their lives.  We reason things out with one another, laugh at our dark takes on life and relationships, and try to find the median where our hearts and minds come together.  We are fellow sufferers and thus bonded. My hope is that I left something with them that allows them to feel seen and heard as they do that exact thing for me. 

Stuck in traffic on the way home many people drove on my Mini butt-end and it is always maddening.  I have lots of opportunities to curse my fellow travelers.  Get a grip people.  We are all going the same direction!  Alas, I thought of all we had said to one another and how anxious I felt today waiting for the call from an employer that has yet to come.  I recalled the very last time I interviewed for a job that I wanted for which I spent the entire weekend rehearsing and studying.  I lived alone then with Rosie, my dog, and I paced and worried and practiced.  So much was riding on my performance.  So very much.

I remembered that the Chief had called me to ask me to step to his office as he was giving everyone the results of the choices that the manager's had made.  I hung up, took a deep breath, felt my fear come into my body and take hold, then straighten myself and steel myself as I walked down the hall to his office.  I was ready to be told no. 

Remembering, I realize how humble I felt and how unable to imagine a yes. I worked very hard to get there but though I had prayed and hoped, the yes seemed very, very far from me.  And so I went in and sat down in his office. The Chief told me that I had gotten the job and would be one of four new hires out of 164 people who had applied.(Eight years ago, that was a phenomenal number.)  I started crying.  That was my response.  I had no idea of the impression that I had made.  I still remember how grateful I am to have been given the chance to serve the people of Sonoma County with that promotion. 

However, as we know, life has made a full U turn and I am unemployed now, having left that profession behind me due to the changes made by management.  Sometimes, it feels like my ship just cannot turn towards the harbor as it is too big to turn that quickly. It may have sighted the ice berg and be plummeting towards it anyway.  This is what it feels like sometimes and it takes everything in my spiritual pantry to offset the sinking feeling.  Pun intended.

What I came away with today, in the company of my women friends, is that no matter the outcome, I want to face each disappointment or potential challenge with grace, humor and compassion.  Grace especially.  I wish to face the obstacles with pause and curiosity instead of trying to wrestle the Titanic from its' watery grave. 

The Gardener's Sorting Hat

I have this idea, feeling that all too familiar tension in my body that some of us unemployed folks get after an interview, that the idea of getting a job has really changed and I wonder how many of us realize it.  Probably not unless you are walking in our shoes methinks. 

For me, which is all I can really write about, it is impossible not to imagine getting the call that will free my shackles of uncertainty. I start to imagine it and then, like a superstitious baseball star, I wonder if I am doomed to be left behind because I wanted it too much.  Will I jinx myself?   Then I know, almost instantly, that I cannot help it. 

OK, so I often have been very mistaken about my impression with interviewers when I think we make a great connection and then nothing or no, we picked another one more something than you! I cannot help having the hope that I might be the one, even if it is a long shot by far, I must hope and yearn and bumble along in my childlike fantasy.

Today that is where I was though I did all the same tasks and stayed present as possible.  I thought tonight, trying to see what I might see differently in my trail through the obscure future, that being offered a job that feels like a great fit might be like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter.

An unemployed person caught in unemployment hell would have the Sorting Hat put on them at their interview and the Hat would decide based upon the true nature of one's heart.  The Sorting Hat would shout out the answer to the interviewer and the unemployed person could bounce out of the room and celebrate with their loved ones or slink away to try again and again and again. 

For me, today, it would be the gardener's sorting hat and the true nature of this heart would be shouted out like an anthem.

The Happiest Place On Earth

I missed an opportunity to be with part of my family this week in Disneyland.  I felt sad to have to choose when my dog Jade needed some surgery and clear that he is my first priority.  I have been involved in rescuing Greyhounds for almost 20 years now and they still need our help as they remain an exploited, mistreated, maltreated, worn down, cruelly bred and raised breed of dogs.  Racing.  Dog racing.  Only humans could have thought that one up to be sure.  Greyhounds can run up to 40 mph and that is not to be casually considered when you choose them as a pet.

Last night sitting on the couch, I saw a dog running by and I bolted out the front door slamming it behind me because I was sure it was a loose Greyhound.  I ran out in the street and whistled but the running Greyhound was now a half a block away and not stopping.  A young woman on a bike talking on a cell phone was peddling after it and crying.  The dog ran and turned onto Yulupa and I began a silent prayer. I worried about it because I know that once they get loose, they are gone.  I have had a few near misses with my dogs and I am overly cautious about their potential flight.  I pray that our neighbor dog ran into the arms of someone else and not onto Hwy 101.

Jade and I and the other two dog girls are holding down the fort until surgery day and I remain hopeful that we shall have years to go walking, peeing and sniffing as a foursome. I am the guardian and I take it very, very seriously.  And so I missed being with my family this week and sometimes we have to make those hard decisions for those we love and care for in life.  For me, rescuing Greyhounds has returned joy back to me ten fold.  They are amazing dogs who are used for the basest reasons.  I want to be a part of their solution creating a small world within that becomes the happiest place on earth.

Not A Tim Burton Movie

I can't help it, I got kinda excited that there was a computer reply within the inbox.  Silly Girl.  I went to the website that was included therein and saw the job that I applied for and yes, my blood pressure eased up a bit, and yes, there is a tab to schedule an interview and yes, and yes and nothing. Nada. Zip. Pretty high tech and no there, there.  Keep checking until you see the whites of our eyes or not.  Made ya look!

That's right, some computer somewhere in Delaware probably, checked out my resume and sent the computerized reply with a link to a website where no interview is available to chose from or imagine.  Pretty slick.  Pretty sick. 

It seems like our advances in technology whether you are a friend checking her email at a potluck while others actually have conversations around you or a dead link from a job application, technology seems like a cruel joke on us as we float away towards the abyss staring at our phone devices while Rome burns. If I didn't know better I would say this is a diabolical scene from Mars Attacks and I am waiting for the Slim Whitman song at any moment to begin!

Finding Our Way Home

It has been a full day out here in paradise and with it lots of blue sky and views from the bike path from Santa Rosa to Forestville.  The Joe Rodota trail is a way for cyclists here to enjoy a trip to the west county without risking their lives.  The trail along an abandoned railroad line that was cleared and paved allows walkers, bikers, runners and everything-elsers to mosey without cars.  With a few hiccups on roadways one can make a trip out westerly that makes a person feel like they had an adventure.  I kept up my end of the bike ride, though I am not a cyclist, and I still managed to get a flat tire.

We came home and cleaned up quickly to have some potluck fare with part of our spiritual family.  It is always good to see one another relaxed and eating together.  We know how to eat food together really, really well.  For me, each person is someone I know or have seen.  In fact , with some, I share mutual spiritual hurdles and a kinship that goes beyond flesh and bone.  We are fellow survivors and we know that though we may not say it all the time.  We are the lucky ones.  Each of us is trying to find our way home to ourselves.

Returning home yet again afterwards, I spent some time on the couch with my book and heard the geese fly over our house, honking their way to Spring Lake.  It is a strange and reassuring sound and sometimes I stand in the yard and I can hear their wings pulling against the air as they fly low overhead.  I feel reassured that we are all just trying to do the best we can, within our fellowship and within our lives to be better people living better lives.  Like those geese that I love to hear keeping one another in formation by calling out, we are trying to find our way home as well.