The Highwire Of Life

Balancing a 40 hour work week with participation in a spiritual community, running, eating, dog walking and going to the gym has become a big deal. I have not done it well for the past almost three weeks and I am trying.  Last night I just took care of cleaning up after the dogs who have wrecked havoc with the house, did laundry, bathed yet again in a day, ate dinner and read my new book.  That was a night off and it really did not seem like it very much.  The dogs really don't help matters right now.

I suppose having a human at your beck and call for a year with a human hot spot every day made them soft.  They have become used to having me here though they never helped me look for work.  In fact, they really did not care.  Now they are making a muddy mess in and out of the dog door because all is not right in their world.  I am working like a dog and they are not.  They are just being dogs.  Damn them.

I am doing the best that I can emotionally and my hands and knees hurt from the job.  I am struggling to make sense of being in a lovely place and not really feeling a part of the staff.  I am a native English speaker and the staff, except for only a few of us, are non-native English speakers.  They speak their common language to one another and I just sit there watching their faces.  It feels a bit lonely and maybe paybacks are a you-know-what. 

The best thing about today was a man who lives in the Assisted Living Unit.  His wife still lives in their apartment.  G. walks with a wheelie walker and he is slower on the draw than he used to be.  His wife is elegant and has a wide smile and porcelain skin.  She seems like she was once a dancer. 

I talked with them both today because G. wanted to meet me officially.  I stopped chucking the leaves while making compost and talked with them.  G. gave me a blessing and I spent the rest of the day thinking about him. I wondered what it would be like to be parted from my wife because she could no longer care for me.  This is the reality of our lives and yet it struck me to the core today.  The high wire of life is the act of balancing between life and life's tasks and the teeter totter of health and the weathering of our human vehicles. Some of us are still looking for the net.

Shedding The Past

October is a month of loss for me, shedding of the past, remarking on anniversaries of divorces, deaths, endings of friendships and birthdays of those I have loved in life.  Autumn brings a turning inward trend for the earth, also shedding her trappings and casting them downward to become compost for the spring and summer beyond. The earth seems to have an easier time of it than I do though she is well practiced and wiser than myself who still wants to cling to people, places and things as if those complete me.

How I navigate loss sometimes seems like a magic act or simply a slight of hand that even I am not shrewd enough to catch.  In order to stay present, and I am not there yet, I try to absorb the radiance of the changing light, the deep blue sky that is a backdrop for sunrise, birds collecting and skittering around at lunch and trust that my humanity is part of my humanity and this too shall pass.

I thought of Janis Joplin's song that claims "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.." as a way of making sense of loss and all that it attends to my heart these days.  In other words, feeling loss and the pain of no longer feeling connected to careers, people or places is  part of being here and the freedom comes in knowing that one does have nothing left to lose except everything.  What would Jean Paul Sartre have to write about that?

The Beautiful People

Today we went to volunteer at a food bank event called Calabash.  It is a good money maker for the food bank that serves 650 county humans living with HIV/AIDS.  It is a tadoo with over 150 volunteers over a six month prep period.  There is incredible art auctioned with gourmet food and wine served to the beautiful people who come to schmooze and ogle and participate in cocktail banter. 

For me now that I work 40 hours a week, taking an afternoon/eve to volunteer is a big deal.  Sad but true.  However, being of service and giving my time for things that I believe in sustains me and also sustains the planet we share.  I saw some handsome men and women, some bedecked artist types and one very odd necklace made of a monkey's skull replete with teeth.  That was gross not art.  I gave my time so that money made could feed men, women and children in our county who live with a virus that could easily kill them. 

I noticed several people who have crossed my path in my former profession, known to me by phone and attitude though they did not realize who was giving them a bidder number. I noticed several people who acted like they have wealth and may indeed have commas in their checkbook balance that I can only dream of having.  I noticed many humans with beautiful faces and stylish clothes and I wonder what that could be like to try on for an afternoon or a week maybe.  What would it be like to be one of the beautiful people admired simply because genetics played a winning hand in the poker game that became your body?