Today, I was off from my temporary and changing status at the nursery to take a test. It was a test that had been scheduled before my current, albeit, temporarily engaged semi-employed status. So, I used the early morning to get some running in-I was tired and the run was very slow. I met two amazing dogs that were bully breeds and yet all wiggly and snotty and loving with me. They are so much happier than our solemn Greyhound duo that it rocked my thoughts and made me realize how much I miss having a dog that is happy. I miss Rosie. She broke the Greyhound mold.
My partner and I both accepted the invite to test for jobs with The City of Santa Rosa today. So we both went to sit with almost 60 others in a freezing auditorium for two and a half hours, more than 150 complex questions and enough tense energy to be a witness to being unemployed in Sonoma County. Over 400 humans applied for two jobs and a chance to be put "on the list" for future openings. Almost 300 tested.
I must say, this is my second experience of City tests that attempt to hone the numbers of applicants to the top 5%. This test was a butt kicker and I felt exhausted near the end trying to find answers in my head for all those questions. For me, I was not attached to the outcome yet there for the experience and an I-have-no-idea-where-this-will-lead-me afternoon.
Before I ever sat down though, I went to stand with the other seemingly depressed and silent humans in the lobby. I stood near the back wall and a very tall, well built blond woman smiled at me and asked me how I was doing. Unusual I thought. Most people look down not wanting to make eye contact with the competition. We chatted and right away I thought she was funny, unpretentious and downright bawdy. She seemed fun and I wished her a perfect 98% so she could get to the "oral boards" that are promised by a top score.
I thought, as I sat down at my table with the scantron and two pencils, that maybe she was a divine placement. My idea of "God" constantly gets challenged by life, insecurity and other humans. After I left the test of which I must have blown part of simply due to the fact that I had no idea how to work those word problems, I was exhausted and headed for Goodwill to find some warm clothes for work.
"The Museum of failure" is a chapter in the book which I am finishing called "The Antidote, Happiness For People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking" by Oliver Burkeman. I have loved this book though I have not read it rapidly. The message is tough getting through to me though I sought it out. The museum of failure, for me, can be the cruelest message of my thoughts when I feel lost to find a good job with promise.
It seems that all of us are trying to find security and the more we try, the more unhappy we are inclined to become so says Mr. Burkeman.
For me, for today, I am glad to go back to work and do my best, probably in the rain, with people I love in the great outdoors. The future still exists though I am working on being less attached to calling the end result happiness.
http://www.oliverburkeman.com/
