Cooties

Some virus came to visit while I wasn't looking and I have spent the afternoon padding around the house.  It takes some kind of "bug" to make me see that I am constantly moving around and I know that is part of my lean state.  Ah, that and running, swimming, hiking, volunteering and walking the dogs. 

I am reminded of the Cootie game that my sweet Aunt had at her house for me.  They were weird things to build and she had a whole shelf of stuff for me to play with when I came for the summer in Fresno.  I remember those summers with great memories of my Aunt who was 4'11" and tough as nails.  My mother called her the "iron fist in the velvet glove" and that just about sums it up.  She was an amazingly strong woman like the women in my family.  Small and mighty.

I am going off to rest and watch a bad movie and drink tea and hope that tomorrow the sun will come up and dawn on a cootie-free day.

Art For Art's Sake

Today may be the last taste of freedom on a Friday for a while and I spent it looking at Picasso with my friend at the De Young Museum in Golden Gate Park.  We saw some freaky and some amazing art that Picasso created in his lifetime.  I have some favorites like Two Women Running On The Beach.........................

All in all, it was a wonderful day spent with a man whom I admire, love and have so much respect for in life.  He has stood by me through travails and through joy.  Though we are much different, somehow our Celtic souls found each other on this "path of happy destiny." I felt like a lucky, lucky girl to have a much needed adventure surrounded by such wonderful, strange stuff. 

I was reminded of seeing the Diane Arbus exhibit at the San Francisco M.O.M.A................................

and the Richard Avedon exhibit ....................................................................

and many other exhibits at the museums in San Francisco over the years.  I feel as if I have been left with nothing to write about and everything to dream about.

Back Of The House Blues

Job interviews and the slow churning of potentials have been rattling my week with ups and downs that seem as strange as life has been this year.  I had have had at least two people tell me they are now employed or their children are employed at Whole Foods Coddingtown or as I like to call it, The Queen Mary.  For me, along with a certain surly potential co-worker, the universe seems to keep reminding me that life is not easy though I often think it will be.  My naive springboard.

Anyone who knows my story knows that The Queen Mary was being built last summer while I began dreaming of doing something that I love in life.  I watched the photos on the bulletin board at my local corporate monstrosity store and began to twirl in my head thinking of making the oranges and apples into those perfect pyramids.  I have always been someone who has an extreme sense of spacial organization and a great desire to make things look pretty. 

I was one of the first people to apply for The Queen Mary store team and they never gave me the time of day.  They hired young folks out of the depression economy-let us call it what it is-and they gutted the remainder of their four stores of at least 1/3 of the current employees.  They then began hiring at their other four stores.  The rest is a travesty of an entire year spent trying to get an entry level job at Whole Foods.  I will let go of it soon, I promise, I promise, I promise.

Whole food, whole people, whole pack of lies. 

What I really want to write about is the idea of the "back of the house" that holds offices and employee break rooms in retail stores. I had an interview in one of those this week at a department store and it was strange, like a secret door at Disneyland, that is usually rundown with lots of stuff shoved into spaces with old chairs and workers shoes and used cups and food.  It destroys the illusion you might have had about the theatre space that retail presents.  Here is the bright, shiny thing and here is the back of the house where the dream dissolves.  In other words, "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" I think this could be applied to hiring policies as well, don't you?

So while I wait for The Sorting Hat's choice to come to fruition, I am going to go look at some art with a friend who is one of my superheroes.  We shall Mini to "the city" and see what Picasso holds for us tomorrow and that may just wash away my back of house blues.

What It Is Really Like In The Trenches

People like themes and color schemes in order to simplify projects that they think will get people to buy things, attend events, listen to radio and T.V. programs or buy a cup of coffee or two.  Maybe it is a weird facet of capitalism and, I don't really like it when it is applied to heart wrenching human drama.  This week, American Public Media, Marketplace is focusing on Jobs or rather, joblessness as one of its weekly themes.  I enjoy listening and today, I felt rankled, irritated and diminished somehow.

Don Peck of The Atlantic Magazine was quoted as saying: "When you have a situation where people just can't find work month after month, it changes them. Being unemployed for more than six months is about the worst thing that can happen to you. Psychologically, it's equivalent to the death of a spouse and is a kind of bereavement in its own right." This is where it went wrong for me.

 Disconnected commenting on the lives of humans changed forever should be more than a soundbite.  "It changes them" is a gross understatement of what it means to be invited for an interview, if you are even that fortunate, told the job has fluctuating hours each week and not full time, no benefits and essentially on call per week along with all the other folks who will consider crumbs, like you, in order to walk forward, belong to a workplace, feel your head lift off of your chest and regain some sense of place and respect in the world.  "A kind of bereavement?"  It seemed like a trite statement without genuine understanding behind it.  How about a kind of murder?

To be sure, I have changed and not always for the better.  Oh yes, I try to put a face on it but sometimes I just crash into self-pity and loathing.  Especially if I felt a twinge of the "I wants" and was not considered.  Sometimes I am able to stop, hear the rejection, and move directly onward.  Today, I received two more rejections from the corporate grocery monstrosity and it felt uncomfortable instead of slaying me.  Maybe there has just been enough good news to offset all of the crap?

I try to rely on what I know about myself as I walk forward, wait but don't wait, enjoy some of my hobbies, exercise and write.  I feel fortunate to have survived thus far and it is the "equivalent to the death of" much more than any journalist with a theme can elucidate. I feel fortunate that I find ways to have fun, connect with other humans, feel love and respect and never stop trying. 

I often play that song that I love from the movie Postcards From The Edge at times like these and always bears repeating:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkjQSpfW3iw

The C Word

Today has been stranger than truth and hot here in Sonoma County.

The best news, by far, has been that my dog Jade does not have cancer in his mouth so says the pathology report. He has dodged a bullet and so have we in being his guardians.  We are all panting in the heat, listening to traffic whiz by as people rush home on the day after a holiday weekend. I am relieved and thankful for everything good and not so good that came my way today to remind me to cherish those I love and hold them dear. 

I am particularly thankful that the "C" word did not come to air its' dirty laundry today. 

Youth Is Wasted On The Young

I thought better of a blog that is exactly the truth and yet, being older, I thought better of it and hit the delete button.  I wish other people, unable to see past their own selfishness, would do the same.  The world would be a better place.  Let peace begin with me.

Letting Go And Moving On Can Be a Four Letter Word

I am feeling autumn swing its' season into our days with a heavier pathos than it has been in late August.  The evening ends sooner and the sunsets are proving out lighter pinks and oranges as September gets underway.  It is lovely and I envy the earth. Our planet here turns to the underworld and our naked ladies dried up and the finch flock now living off of our bird feeders increase in number seem to gorge themselves on millet and corn.  Getting ready I think. 

We hiked today at Willowcreek open space and as we reached to top of the Full Monty trail, the fog poured across the hillside from Jenner as if steam from a giant tea kettle.  No lunch time view of the ocean today.  We hiked one of the blessed places here in Sonoma County just the same and felt fortunate.  A cup of coffee in Duncan Mills rounded out our day.  We are lucky.  My family in Texas is now dealing with more drought and parched earthen days without rain. 

This time of year, as autumn comes to us through the changing leaves, light and temperate days, reminds me of last October when I parted the ways with my former employer.  It has been a year.  I have let go of that environment and my years of government service.  I let go of my purpose and stepped off of the curb. I am not certain that was an act of faith.  For me, I knew that I had to go though getting to that decision almost killed me.  I am not kidding here or exaggerating.  I nearly died and no one should be so tested.

There were friends along the way, people that I worked with and people that I met, interviewers and people that I have relied upon who did not help or simply could not tax themselves to care.  That is the hardest part of change, the sense of betrayal when you need people the most.  I have learned to let go, sometimes screaming and clawing my way to it. However, I know myself so well now and I have walked the way I talk over and over and over again. Not easy and not simple but certainly deep and blue and clear.  I have learned to move on and sometimes that was a four letter word.

Giving Thanks When It is Not Thanksgiving

I was able to go body boarding with he women who started me doing that crazy stunt back in February here on the North Coast of California.  I had some fun, got a good "sinus cleanse" a few times and marveled at the surfers beyond us who come down the face of the wave and then back up for a flip and down back the rest of the lip. 

It is an astounding thing to watch surfers and there were lots of them out there this morning.  I would not get up at 5:30 AM to do just any old adventure though I did get up at 3:00 AM to run the Kaiser 1/2 marathon in January and I remember a similar start for the Austin 1/2 on 2/14/10.  Adventure is really good for the soul and today, the company was splendid.  Thank you gals.

I was able to thank, in person and bearing gifts, one of my surfer compatriots who was a job reference for me this week.  Later in the day, we drove out to Glen Ellen to surprise a man with a cheesecake for doing something similar for me this week.  In fact, everyone who stood by me and reflected back to the employer that I was trying to convince my skills and character deserve a much bigger thanks than I could ever fashion.

All of them told me that I was the one who did the work.  However, I disagree.  When we go beyond our personal circle to grant respect and believe in someone, it changes the climate of the world.  You could make all the difference for that someone and they did that for me.  I am so very grateful and so very humbled by the help that I received this week.  I am giving thanks when it is not Thanksgiving because you went all out for me and I am deeply moved by your kindness and your belief.  Bless you all.