As I turn, soon, towards the Oakland Airport and my flight to Austin, Texas to spend time with family and run the Austin 1/2 marathon in a different, well trained body, I think of what stays here in an old house, at the corner with an old wall heater and new grey water pipes because we are having a drought, school, few job prospects and yet many, so many long runs through Spring Lake and Annadel State park-more than 500 miles since July, 2014 which is amazing in itself, and many thoughts come in and go out like the tide in me.
In July, I thought of dying when such a long journey of travails ended in another. I had come to feel that the darkness of all that would never be was snuffing me out like some chain smoker's last fag. I felt that I was crumbling under the weight of all of my lost hopes, pathetic attempts to succeed and miserable lack of insight or direction. That darkness was all I felt or saw or lived within and I was giving up.
That was my moment and something was still lit in me, a corner with a candle and a shaky flame about to be snuffed and yet, it was there. Maybe a "still small voice" as they say.
I started running because running is something I am good at and I was born to run. Slow and plodding, achy, uncertain and with little impetus other than running. I have done so since July.
I would not say everything in me is different yet it is different in some ways I did not see then. I still have so many things lingering and I am in a kind of limbo. Yet, I am here, still running. On Sunday, February 16, at 7:00 AM standing with over 15,000 other runners in line in Austin, Texas, I will commence and I know the rolling hills with try to knock me down. However, I will still be running. This run is about THE RUN OUT OF DARKNESS which is my own journey.
I am not a hero or a celebrity or someone special. I am human like so many of my fellow sufferers who have chosen to live and not give up fighting. I share this spot with many, many humans who have not. This is for Jonathan in particular who succumbed to that darkness last February. I honor him and so many others.
Keep Standing Up
"Well, what that feels like is a big wave that comes along and knocks you down. You find yourself lying on the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you'll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller."
...If you keep lying there, you'll drown, but you don't even have the privilege of dying. You just live with the sense of drowning all the time. So don't get discouraged and think, "Well, I was feeling depressed and I was hiding under the covers, but then I got out of bed, I took a shower. How come I'm not living in a Walt Disney movie now? I thought I was going to turn into Snow White. How come I'm not living happily every after?" The waves just keep coming and knocking you down, but you stand up again and with some sense of rousing yourself.
-Pema Chodron, The Pocket Pema Chodron
