Roses Have Thorns For A Reason

I have now pruned over 25 rose bushes on our campus at work in the last week.  When I close my eyes, I see an imprint of the bud unions, dead and crossed canes laden with now blistered rose buds.  The roses that bloomed later this fall because the weather has been so warm became blistered with the frost and failed to open.  It is as if they were stopped in their tracks from opening and revealing the beauty within on these freezing mornings and warm, warm afternoons in northern California.

I have a pair of hand clippers and two loppers which I use to save my old hands.  I am pretty good at this and my co-workers were not doing the pruning.  Too girlie I guess.  Actually, they went off together as they usually do because it is some strange sexist male bonding thing to work together, and dug an enormous hole in one of the lawns.  They were looking for a water leak they never found.  Of course, this is the macho work that they seem to think needs doing.  As my mother used to say, "Another flock flew over."

I thought of roses as an analogy for my life today as something that is forbidding because of the pain those thorns incur even on gloved hands.  They bite and they have a simple beauty that forces us to endure their inflicted pain.  Life is difficult at times like today, last week or last month.  And yet life holds the beauty of a warm winter afternoon with robins nearby in the underbrush, sun on my tired shoulders and an appreciation of a paycheck tomorrow. 

Like roses, life has thorns and I do my best to admire the beauty that evolves, small and way big, while handling the sharpness of disappointment and struggles with gloves and a delicate touch for my sensitive heart.  I send out understanding to all who travel with me in hopes that they will find solace, peace and compassion tonight. May the road rise with you and may there be more than a few blooming rose bushes along the way.

Staying Can Be Herculean

Today's not so earth shattering inspiration for the day from Daily Wisdom-365 Buddhist Inspirations says: "No matter how hard you pursue pleasure or success,there are times when you fail. No matter how fast you flee, there are times when pain catches up to you."-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana.

OK, maybe it can be earth shattering if one can crack the door to the great unknown of life.  I am having a difficult time staying, having traversed the emotional landscape in a rusted out jalopy with bald tires and a steaming radiator.  Figurative of course.  Just the same, I have tried every exit sign this week, railed against the gates that would not open, justified my anger and my fear with some lame story in my head that repeats...you are a loser that is why...and then just tried to get to the finish line and wonder.

Friday night I went straight to the gym and went swimming after work in the oncoming twilight of evening.  There was a full moon appearing through the stark branches of the trees and the sound of traffic coming up around us three swimmers.  It was a bit of bliss with the outdoor pool a fine degrees and I felt a baptismal of water and relief come over me.  A hot shower afterwards and some quickly consumed Mexican food at El Patio rounded out my escape from a hour a week gardening job that is much less than I had originally hoped for in life.

Saturday came and went with some sleep, Qigong in the park, a few errands and a late evening grocery trip to Oliver's Market.  Shopping later in the evening when everyone else is home having a life can actually be fun. I saw the very petite, young produce worker hauling her cart to the back of store with admiration and desire.  Desire for her job actually, not her. If she can work there so could I.  I wish, I wish, I wish. 

I walk into grocery stores as if someone going to a car showroom. Strange but true.  I check out there presentation and yearn for a place there.  Is anyone home?  What happened to grocery jobs being working class opportunities.  Now it seems completely out of reach but still wished for and perplexing. Maybe this will be one of those times when I fail.  I just have a hard time believing it and so I continue to resent, yearn, resent, dream, accept, dream and maybe resent again.  The grief cycle of looking for a good job in America.

Sunday is here and I made some Chandra's Chai, ate cinnamon rolls and now for a dog walk and a run.  Maybe I will find some peace out there in the bright, sunny morning of this day.  May you all find that wherever you are in the world.