Staying Can Be Herculean

Today's not so earth shattering inspiration for the day from Daily Wisdom-365 Buddhist Inspirations says: "No matter how hard you pursue pleasure or success,there are times when you fail. No matter how fast you flee, there are times when pain catches up to you."-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana.

OK, maybe it can be earth shattering if one can crack the door to the great unknown of life.  I am having a difficult time staying, having traversed the emotional landscape in a rusted out jalopy with bald tires and a steaming radiator.  Figurative of course.  Just the same, I have tried every exit sign this week, railed against the gates that would not open, justified my anger and my fear with some lame story in my head that repeats...you are a loser that is why...and then just tried to get to the finish line and wonder.

Friday night I went straight to the gym and went swimming after work in the oncoming twilight of evening.  There was a full moon appearing through the stark branches of the trees and the sound of traffic coming up around us three swimmers.  It was a bit of bliss with the outdoor pool a fine degrees and I felt a baptismal of water and relief come over me.  A hot shower afterwards and some quickly consumed Mexican food at El Patio rounded out my escape from a hour a week gardening job that is much less than I had originally hoped for in life.

Saturday came and went with some sleep, Qigong in the park, a few errands and a late evening grocery trip to Oliver's Market.  Shopping later in the evening when everyone else is home having a life can actually be fun. I saw the very petite, young produce worker hauling her cart to the back of store with admiration and desire.  Desire for her job actually, not her. If she can work there so could I.  I wish, I wish, I wish. 

I walk into grocery stores as if someone going to a car showroom. Strange but true.  I check out there presentation and yearn for a place there.  Is anyone home?  What happened to grocery jobs being working class opportunities.  Now it seems completely out of reach but still wished for and perplexing. Maybe this will be one of those times when I fail.  I just have a hard time believing it and so I continue to resent, yearn, resent, dream, accept, dream and maybe resent again.  The grief cycle of looking for a good job in America.

Sunday is here and I made some Chandra's Chai, ate cinnamon rolls and now for a dog walk and a run.  Maybe I will find some peace out there in the bright, sunny morning of this day.  May you all find that wherever you are in the world.