The Trail Of Breadcrumbs

Today was my second day off and, as we have done in the past two weeks, my partner and I tried to find something fun to do together in order to stay connected in this difficult time in life where every facet of our lives together  has been upended.  We hiked Willowcreek and there was no one else there on the 3,373 acres of State Park land with LandPaths stewardship.  It was windy with fog near the ocean and as the wind blew across the dry grass bonnets, it freed our troubled minds.  We were together and outside in the beauty of nature and that, in itself, is about divinity.

This week one of our pack of ex-racer Greyhounds had her fourth seizure and she is home and dealing with being drugged.  As she is the least pain tolerant hound of the pack, it is much harder for her.  Harder for us as we both talked about what it would mean for her life and ours in this time of stress and great transition.  We agreed that we would be there for her and one another regardless and we each hope we can have a break from any other decision on her behalf.

I must say that often, as I fall asleep, I am jerked awake by my terror of our future.  That is my unconscious surging to the surface as I fall under the waves of sleep.  My unconscious, the story that runs behind my day, is about worry, anxiety and the reality of needing to move onward but having no way of getting on the bus. 

For each of us, we are experiencing isolation from others, the desert of economic crisis in the world and in our checkbooks, fear and sometimes panic for me.  I am the glass is half empty girl and thankfully, my partner usually is drinking from a glass that is half full. However, even she is having a hard time with the level in the glass as her job continues to be in jeopardy, her income has almost halved itself, her beloved dog is chronically ill and her sons are no where to be seen.  Sometimes, it is bleak for her as well.

I am trying harder to put her needs first, even as my own fear increases and hurts my ears.  I am doing my best to trust in a force greater than myself to guide my actions and belay my terror. I ask questions, directly, of that power, much greater, wondering what is coming and when and how and just how do we point ourselves east where opportunity beckons. 

For me, sometimes this blog is all that could potentially remain of my mark on the world through the miraculous technology of the "Net." I speak my mind and leave a trail of breadcrumbs through this patch of dirt that is dry, sun baked and unforgiving.  It is a trail nonetheless.

A Bee Sting And A Dog Having A Seizure

This morning our dog Ginger had two seizures before sunrise.  It is alarming enough to wake to an alarm yet the repetitive sound of dog nails against the floor and walls is an anthem cry for breaking to the surface of sleep.  It is a frenzy of wracking limbs and dog saliva that woke us today.  Ginger got through it to go to the dog E.R. and a drip anti-convulsive medication that may give us more time with her. It may be a brain tumor or a blood clot and that is as advanced as Veterinary medicine has gotten us today.

After the last seizure came and went I realized that my left hand was becoming twice its' size during the night, well after a bee sting from the nursery where I work.   For me, that meant putting off my arrival at work to go to Kaiser to see if my hand and arm would get even bigger.  Given that my job is not with benefits, that meant no money was made today.  As my salary is very, very small, it was a toss up and a violent beginning to what has been a very slow day spent on the couch with my hand in the air and an anti-biotic.  Ginger's absence has made all of us, humans and dog friends sad and listless. 

Somethings need to change radically around here with our lives and yet we slug onward, doing what we can to live each day.  I pray to the divine entity of my understanding for a break, a chance, some peace.  I could use my index finger and hand palm back to normal size, as a beginning and a fresh start with new adventures, new friends and family close by.  I "wish I may" and I "wish I might."