Some mornings I awake with static in my thoughts as if my mind were stuck between stations and I hear a vague semblance of sound on each side of my brain. No, I am not hearing voices. This is the unsettled feeling that comes with not knowing which direction your life is taking. Truthfully, this is the way life is for us and we have a great illusion that our choices create control of our future. It is one of the Buddhist teachings, paraphrased here, that this is the great lie. Life is random enough without our fantasies and yet those dreams, hopes and creative images get us on through the trenches. Sometimes parts of them become the substance of our days. If so we are the fortunate ones.
And so this morning, having received a call for an interview on Thursday-way out of the blue, and having watched the movie Inside Job last night, and plenty of other interactions with people, questions on how I might improve my resume-this has never ever worked by the way, seeking a fourth volunteer position which seemed like a waste of time, looking for work yesterday and sleeping poorly, well the radio station has static. This is how it can be. Fretful, fearful, questioning, sad, hopeful, resigned, meaningful and sometimes angry. Becoming present includes static and also symphony.
I have now walked the dogs and watered in the now thriving garden. I have shifted the cacophony in my head and I am feeling more settled. The static has subsided and I am moving on into the day of looking for work and doing some more volunteer time out there in the world. I yearn to make a difference even in a small, steadfast manner. This is the best I can do right now and I am doing it. This is the journey of changing the frequency of my life.
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