10/14/10-10/14/11: Not Exactly A Banner Year

I spent the one year anniversary of my last day as a public servant weeding, raking, sweeping, hauling mulch, making compost with rotten apples and household produce garbage, mowing and watering.  It was hotter than expected and as the sweat ran down my face while I was hanging onto the lawn mower, I mulled over this last year.  It has been much less than what I hoped for and yet it had many good parts too.  It was the anniversary of a divorce from my former profession that brought me to my very knees.

I could not say that I am done with my travails and it make get uglier before things seem more clear.  Like many people looking for work, I am glad to have been working the last month as there seem to be so few decent jobs out there that would actually consider me.  Although I was an exemplary employee with very good references, I could not even get a call back from my resume on most jobs.  Overqualified?  Guess again.  Not even considered.  And so it goes.  That was not what I thought would be at my feet when I stepped off the curb on 10/14/10 at 5:30 PM pacific standard time.

My day held some of the same ridiculousness of working as part of an all male crew that doesn't seem to want or know what to do with me.  5'2" and about 101 lbs.  In fact, it seems like they are entrenched and I don't seem to be the mousy woman they expected.  So, it could work out but it may not.  Each day can be a challenge and I don't mean the physical nature of gardening at my late age.  I work harder than the other gardener and it shows.  And so for me, on the anniversary of something that pulls back the image of a year unemployed, shocked, stressed, confused, disappointed, tenacious, determined and disappointed again, was spent with the same feelings inside of my head that covered my last year.

I can think of the many jobs-hundreds, that I applied for and never knew what happened.  I never will know and it doesn't seem like the past year brought any great revelations or lessons that make it all make sense today.  I feel just as confused about what I am doing or will do and wonder how long my body and my sense of self can take being belittled at a job.  Being employed has been held up to be something we the unemployed yearn for and when it comes it can feel like an oasis.

Be careful what you wish for though as it may just make you wonder anew at what that plane's banner really is trying to tell you.  Cryptic marketing tool or just bad grammar?