Rosie's Legacy

Even through the depths of an ongoing mourning of the loss of my best friend, I feel so very thankful to have known the fathoms of the kind of love that can happen between a dog and a human.  I am lucky, I believe, to have known Rosie for almost eight and a half years, during which many other losses, joys, celebrations and challenges came our way.  Rosie was and remains my best friend.

Rosie's legacy is the healing that comes from a dog's love.  Many of us know what that is like and it can be hard to ever get over the loss of it.  Maybe never and at this point in life, I see that as a testimony to the strength of the selfless care that dogs bring to our lives. For me, Rosie is one of a kind though my yearning takes me to the reaches of almost desperation when I meet other people's pets that have that quality of connection that I so long to receive. Although we have three dogs and I am attached to them as if my own appendage, they are not Rosie. 

Rosie came into my life strangely happenstance and I was remembering it today.  I had put in an application for a Greyhound ex-racer with Greyhound Friends For Life without many qualifications other than a female.  Barbara called me from GFFL and said she had a female available and that she was "a great dog."  Although I didn't ask further but said I would leave pronto for Brisbane to pick her up, Barbara mentioned that Rosie had been returned because her color did not match the adopters existing Greyhound.  Someone's stupidity or just my fate, I shall never know for sure. 

I walked into Bonnie's house and there were many Greyhounds there being fostered.  She showed Rosie into the room, I squatted down to be on her level and Rosie came to stand in the circle of my knees and leaned against me.  I felt right then that Rosie had chosen me.  A party colored red and white girl, Rosie had those Cleopatra eyes that some Greyhounds have.  There is a photo somewhere of Rosie and I that evening and she seems to be smiling yet I was the one who would be changed forever by her choice.

On December 26th over five years ago Rosie broke her leg at the shoulder in a sudden movement when I came home from work.  At the emergency hospital, X rays showed that she had a tumor at the break sight. Osteosarcoma is common in Greyhounds and other large boned breeds like Wolfhounds and Great Danes.  The treatment is amputation and chemotherapy but a front leg is an extremely difficult leg to lose as dogs carry 60% of their weight on the front legs.  Amputations never seemed like an option to me though I know we all have to make that decision for ourselves.

I had already been through the death of my other Greyhound, Major, the prior year from the same disease. He was lame in one front leg from a broken toe that was taking forever to heal and then the other front revealed a tumor in the other front leg. Again, amputation seems like an incredibly cruel and less than sure remedy for cancer. Rosie's break was shocking and yet I knew what I felt was right. I just needed another day to say farewell.

For me, saying goodbye to Rosie on 12/27 took more than I had that day as far as courage and conviction. Euthanasia is difficult enough and yet we are the guardians who must show bravery in the face of suffering. My vet. at the time is an extraordinary woman and I still remember finally having to leave the room after Rosie's heart stopped and I wept over her lovely self, and the image of Dr. Canon's concern and compassion.

Many years have come and gone since that day and I am just not the same.  Part of me is always missing since Rosie's death and that is not an exaggeration.  I still find myself yearning for that kind of connection with a dog though I know, intellectually, that it will not be the same.  Sometimes I meet dogs that come close in a way though it simply reveals my own loneliness for my best friend who died.

I always mark 12/27 in some way because I am without my sentry and it shows.  However, I am lucky to have been in the right time at the right place.  Another person's stupidity allowed me to find that very incredible connection to an animal that travels beyond language right to the heart.

May we all find a way to make room in our homes for the many dogs who need us on this planet.  There are many places to find a great dog.  May all of you find just that.  For me, I keep a photo of Rosie next to the bed and in my Mini and right here in my heart of hearts.  A torch always burns steadily for the dog who was my best friend. Rosie's legacy is a journey of a lifetime.

www.greyhoundfriendsforlife.org/

Christmas Eve Qigong in The Park

Today we went to our little Qigong class in Julliard Park with all of its emerald beauty, dogs parading in sweaters and with their humans.  It was warm in the sun as we were directed by our friend and teacher to move slowly, come into our bodies and attempt to connect with ourselves and the Qi of life.  Easier said than done these days for most of us.

We hurry through our weeks from sleep to coffee to work to laundry to dinner to sleep and back to the coffee.  It is not that easy for most of us working and finding time to slow, move slowly and breathe.  And so Saturday morning in the park with Emilio and a small group of followers is a brief hour of coming back to our lives.  Ah.

Today I felt the pulsing sensation during one of the last poses midway as if I were holding two twirling circles of life.  My poor hands came back to life and I could feel that strange sensation that some call Qi or chi.  If it is or if it isn't I don't know.  However, it felt lovely and I was awash with a sense of connectedness and relief.  Ah.

From our house to all of you in the world, our families, our friends and our companions on this pitted road that we walk together, may peace prevail.  Merry Christmas everyone and to everyone a good night.

Jones NY Size 4 Petite

I continue to row my boat against the current, pulling hard on the wooden oars deep into the murky water as the wind whips my aging face, my lips very chapped at this point, tired, hungry with some fear in the mix as I notice the current lapping itself into a froth.  Well, kind of dramatic but I love those seafaring analogies about water and life.

Actually, we have continued to prune the fruit trees at my job of three months and counting.  I started in triple digit heat in September and now I go to work with frost on the ground each morning.  Mr. Big I makes sure that he takes the three legged ladder to work somewhere by himself so he can talk to people on his cell phone.  It is against company policy to receive cell phone calls while working but he has never been "written up" for his carelessness so he continues to vanish somewhere on the 7 AC campus with the ladder and his blue tooth tucked under his bad boy stocking cap.  Addicted to his cell phone, he talks and prunes and there are no consequences.

Having the only three legged ladder taken, the other two gardeners are left with the pole pruners and it is very hard work.  The fruit trees have many suckers growing atop their fine selves because they were pruned improperly.  Now those suckers must be cut to the main branch and it is hard work.  My shoulders and hands hurt each night and I think about leaving. 

I think about leaving for other reasons which have come to join my aches.  A volunteer of many years was "fired" for being too familiar with residents.  A worker with a therapy dog was asked to take her dog home and not return with her. Her dog's name is Peace. I just found out that the D.O.N. is living on the campus as part of her "deal" while the employee she fired stands accused of something she did not do. Her firing stands and it seems no one really cares.  All of the shredding feels like it is enough to just know that I came to work there at the "wrong time" and I wonder what it will be that will allow me to take my leave.

I have been looking for another job for two months and absolutely nothing comes my way.  I apply, I wait, I go to work, I check my phone, I sleep and eat and wake to look again, maybe apply, get scared, rub my poor hands, check my phone and I pray.  I pray to the God of "my understanding" and I read my horoscope.  No magic came with the week save the brilliant sliver of a perfect white moon on a frozen, predawn morning in Northern California.  The moon doesn't worry that they will never find a good job.  The moon just is.

I recalled as I looked into my closet at all my crisp, business shirts made by Jones NY and how strong, capable, smart and determined I felt wearing them.  I remembered how it felt to look good in something so simple in design yet stunning in its application.  Today I dreamt of a job that would allow me to wear those shirts with a pair of jeans and some spanking tennis shoes and be who I am.

Today, I called a friend who is having a sobriety birthday and I cried on the way to work like I did in 2010 with the same feeling of sadness and powerlessness. I am very frustrated and putting one tired foot in front of the other. I know that is what it feels like to be me and I also know that there is enough magic left in the world for one small woman in her 50s wearing a Jones NY shirt. I just need the right Merlin to wave the magic wand over my wee head. 

Through The Knot Hole

Today was my three month anniversary at my job.  It came and it went.  We pruned trees after the morning clearing of walkways and it makes your neck and wrist hurt after six hours of that whether you are robust or a wee one like me.  No fan fare for getting to this point and who knows what is coming.  Not Santa that is for sure and sorry kids but it is the truth.  Ho, ho, ho!

On the way to work I listen to a bit of NPR and my timing includes "The Perspective" spot of the day.  Today it was an amazing story of a man who sold drugs and lived on the street.  He began to see what aging on the street looked like and had a kind of spiritual awakening.  Though one might say our lives could not be more different, he still spoke for me today. 

Augustus Vargas turned his life around completely and yet he still struggles to find a better job, like myself.  He is a very insightful young man who seems older than his years.  His words are eloquent and right to the point of much of what I feel these days.  It is worth a listen and then some. http://www.kqed.org/a/perspectives/R201112190735

I have come through the knot hole and I am miles from home and a warm fire.  I am not an optimist though and they do have a different way of seeing things.  While driving around tonight looking for Christmas lights, I mentioned to my sweetie that this holiday seems so very bleak with friends having left for more exciting terrain and family doing the same.  It feels bleak and a struggle.  Shocking sometimes too. 

However, she said something like: "Well it does feel a bit bleak and there will be a bump and then things will get better." She has that way of finding the sunshine in a bunker and I wonder if it is just a larger supply of serotonin or something else. Regardless of what is real and what is belief, I am through the knot hole and I have great company like Augustus Vargas to find solace, strength and a shred of hope during the most overwrought holiday of the year. 

Xmas Greyhounds

It bears repeating and showing off some holiday hats....

Merry Christmas everyone and here it comes.  Jade, Omi and Ginger are already in the celebrating mood. 

Dad's 105th Birthday

If my father had lived to this day in 2011, we would have been celebrating his 105th birthday.  It seems strange, still, that he has been gone so long, and how he lived and left feels strange too.  My dad was an attorney, though not the BMW kind of lawyer. He had a reputation for honesty so one of his colleagues told me years ago.  I would like to believe that was his corner post though in life, he made choices that reflected some of his struggles and his loneliness. He had feet of clay just like me.

However, on this day, I celebrate my father who appears to have come from Polish Jews though he would not admit it.  I celebrate some of his favorite sayings like...."Don't turn your back on the ocean!" and "Never trust a man who wears a bow tie!"  My Dad was a short man with an olive complexion and a big nose whose anger could turn violent yet whose generosity paved way for the room I am sitting in writing this morning, at the corner in a small town in northern California.

Thank you Dad for all you tried to do for me in life and for what you passed on to me whether you knew it or not.  Peace be with you wherever you are today.

The World According To Garp

I am reading a book called Make Miracles In Forty Days by Melody Beattie.  There is even a website with a forum for folks to post questions and elucidate upon their personal miracles.  I have not really been able to see myself doing the writing involved yet as I tend to be a doubter first then slow to an idea if it is not my usual fare.

Truthfully, my favorite bookstore got kicked out of their old location that I loved and allowed for sleepy browsing and now is in cramped quarters that is definitely not allowing for sauntering.  Thus, the willy nilly manner of the book shelves, presentations and poor placement lent this book more focus than I might have given it. The inscription is what got to me as it seemed to be talking to me.  Or so I thought.  As an aficionado of Ms. Beattie's books, it wasn't a stretch for me but the topic and method of articulating the ideas is way out there for me.

We shall see.  However, if ever I needed a miracle, about now might fit the bill.  I try a silent prayer each work morning before an enormous oak tree and I meditate a bit a lunch and try to reassure myself throughout my day.  My work search, while I am working hours a week, is the same as when I was unemployed.  No response or just a big hiccup. I cannot get gone fast enough though I remain employed at some cost to my emotional and physical well being.  Many of us could say that every day so I have some company.

I was buoyed by several things thus far this week and they were each compelling and smacked of miracles.  First, Jackie Lawson's advent calendar every day, then Betty and Teddy from work who walk several times a day and stop to chat with me as I rake, haul, weed and sweep, then a paid professional who encouraged me to trust my intuition and run do not walk if it will save me and then my horoscope in The Bohemian by Rob Brezny.

"Gemini: Researchers at the University of Oregon claim that in certain circumstances, they can make water flow uphill(tinyurl.com/UphillFlow). I'm not qualified to evaluate their evidence, but I do know that in the coming week you will have the power to accomplish the metaphorical equivalent of what they say they did. Don't squander this magic on trivial matters, please, Gemini.  Use it to facilitate a transformation that's important to your long-term well being."

It could just be my present, albeit somewhat desperate state of mind, but that either sounds like the stuff of miracles or The World According To Garp. I will take the former and wish upon a twinkling star tonight.