Who Put The 'Ape' In Apricot?

I have been cleaning out the garage and throwing away junk as I recover from my cold and have a few days off before I start yet another new job.  Maybe this is the way life is going to be?  Maybe it will get weirder and weirder as the years move along.  It has been warm enough this week to feel like spring though it can hardly be that mid February here.  There has been just enough quiet to feel afraid and then talk myself out of it.  There has been just enough relief to miss my family in Texas and wish I could live next door and come by for coffee.

Some of us are still a little P.T.S.D. from our childhood's and we do the best we can with the adult package that must make decisions, consider consequences, say yes and say no and move on to what is next.  Some of the people that I know carry quite a bit of "core wounding" as therapists like to call it.  Some of us can feel it come up in our bodies before we realize what it is that is jerking our chain.  I am still, a work in progress.

I am fortunate and very much so, to know that I have much love to give and sometimes it doesn't get through those filters.  I do what I can and sometimes there is just way too much to take in and too much to consider that could become a regret if I do not pause and consider the outcome.  I believe that one has fear and faith in tandem or rather, I do.  I believe in myself and I am cautious. 

I started thinking about that cowardly lion again and how his sweetness was transparent and his fear palpable.  His quaking is humorous and I know how that can be as I begin another adventure in employment.  I do wonder about courage and where does that come from?  I wonder about the space between niggling fears and the commencement of courage and conviction.  It is just a pause, a hesitation, a space on the page or a gaze towards the horizon before one turns, breathes in and saunters into the next frame.  That is the 'ape' in apricot.