Walking The Way We Talk

I have little to say lately that I am sure of and that, for a writer, might just be writer's block.  Today though is a bright, blue, cold morning in Northern California that holds the promise of a Sunday adventure in the Mini and that always opens up the horizon in front of me. 

Last night we had dinner with some former co-workers and residents from the wonderful campus where I worked for five months as a gardener.  I miss them so much.  I miss my place there and the beauty and their stories.  Such kind, real and strong older folks.  My role models to be sure. I came home light and full of contentment which has been challenging lately as I find some distance from the difficulties of the near past. Especially distance from Mr. Big I and II, a strange shaming interraction with a Chiropractor and a Grocery Store manager. 

 I am doing well, considering where I have been, finding new volunteer opportunities, finishing up an online class that I have been taking and doing some home projects.  I am getting bored though.  Boredom is a sticky wicket for me as the "shame machine" starts to cough and sputter. That piece of machinery can be the source of pain if I let the gears begin to whine at a high rate of speed.  My mind will sort out the most negative messages from the "shame machine" and twist the past into some kind of blame game that is far from the truth.  Other people will try to do that with us and we don't need to shovel the coal that fuels that monster.

There is different way.

 "...If I feel ashamed, I need a reality check because my thinking is probably distorted. Even though it may take great courage, if I share about it with a (friend), I will interrupt the self-destructive thoughts and make room for a more loving and nurturing point of view.  With a little help, I may discover that even my most embarrassing moments can bless my life by teaching me to turn in a more positive direction..." -Courage To Change, One Day At A Time In Al-Anon II

This is not an easy project and yet it can be the most loving way to create nueropathways that open up into bright, sunlit mornings on our lifetime of challenges.  This is my journey and I want to be a part of the solution for myself instead of part of the source of darkness.  That is a tune I can whistle all day long.