Mile 9 In A Half Marathon

After trading three emails with an H.R. manager at a grocery store where I have been trying to get hired since last April, tearing up during my morning meditation as I asked for the guidance to give my dream some real steam, holding the wish and intention of getting an interview with them, staring at the back of their store from the loading dock at my current job and trying to will them to call me, I began to falter a bit this afternoon.

For any job seeker, holding a positive intention is a difficult balance.  When do you throw your arms up during the roller coaster ride and scream your ass off and when do you grip the side rail? A prayer, a wish and an intention are made from the same cloth.  We call it positive thinking but maybe it is simply a belief in ourselves regardless of the outcome.  However, it is difficult when the interest comes and then it goes.  How do we relax?  How do we believe and then let go?

And so it is that I am almost dead on my feet tired at my now four months of working as a gardener.  The same uncertain climate has led to daily if not several times a day being overly criticized by the lead gardener for doing something wrong.  Not exactly.  Sexism and not such a pretty word when you watch your co-workers do the minimum and you are the one getting grief for doing excellent work in half the time.  No kidding.  It has gotten really, really old.  Yeah, I'm the girl.

I hold the dream that the H.R. manager really meant what she said in the last email and hope that tomorrow will bring a phone call for an interview.  I have been here many times and that is what it is like to look for work in 2012.  It reminds me of running a half marathon. At about mile nine, your mind tells your body to stop running though there are 3.1 miles to go.  As a runner, you then try to pry up that relentless voice in your head to find, underneath, the character and the guts to go the distance and cross the finish line still running. 

I am still running.