There Is Blue Sky Even When It Is Freezing Cold

It is true that I am so tired that I cancelled my plans to drive to Sebastopol and attend a meeting.  I just could not imagine it.  Someone just unplugged me at about 1:30 PM today and I struggled with the weight of my fatigue and still work.  I did but not that enthusiastically.  So, I am here on the couch with potatoes in the oven to bake instead of driving out on a cold November night.

 I have been feeling isolated and lonesome and I know that it isn't that anything has changed vis a vis my lack of friendships.  In a way, my view of the diminished circle of friends has been true all along.  It is just more obvious now as we move towards Thanksgiving.  Truth can be stranger than fiction.

My workplace, such as it is, is under a cloud of chaos and upheaval with the firing of a 27 year employee.  Others in the Health Care unit have been dismissed or suspended with lots of strange "cleaning house" actions going on after the firing of the Executive Director in September.  In fact, almost each week of my short tenure, has held some kind of dark foreboding about change, corporate politics in a Quaker organization, favoritism by a few ball busting women in charge. It reminds me of the County of Sonoma unfortunately.

So, I have retreated a bit from my initial happy go lucky newly employed human attitude though I still do what I can while understanding that I am the last Gardener hired and still, the girl.  In other words, my skills, my knowledge and my ability to contribute is never considered.  It is clear that even without all this structural chaos, this is as good as it will get. I had a brief moment today where I imagined that I could be part of a team of Gardener's who survive all the firings and suspensions and management company torpedoes and then it fizzled.  It would not really matter.

It was suggested to me that maybe working as a Gardener has more to do with my personal journey of healing the inner critic we know and not love as Sydney.  In time, all that makes up the little man in my head will become clearer. 

I am very weary of the difficulties though and so I will continue to write, read, run, swim, watch movies and wonder what the hell has happened to my life. I look for work in my few free hours and the same crap is out there. The same story.

However, there is blue sky even when it freezing cold outside and that is all I need to put one foot in front of the other.