The Life You Save May Be Your Own-8/2/2013

My fork in the road has come. A country, gravel road off of the main highway that was not marked nor even slightly worn as things began to push me towards the turn that I made a month ago.  I suppose, if I had been more inside my body and relaxed, the choice would have been obvious and natural, maybe almost an afterthought. Running out of gas was not something I planned on that day.

Yet like so many things that I have attempted in the last almost three years, the next turn appeared like a diamond in the rough. Funny thing though, the polish on that stone was a simple patina from China or Vietnam, somewhere they exploit poor people for sure.  The coating cracked easily under pressure and the color was off, way off actually.  I could see the fake underneath the edge as I stepped forward into yet another job in another town. 

Everyone has a story and so do I.  Six jobs in three years took me to the brink of despair and I had no more answers or faith or will to go on. I wanted to be gone.  I could no longer blame bad job choices or just the disappointments inherent in seeking a way to earn a living on those employers. I have been a part of those choices and yet, I could not have done anything much different.  When I veered off of the main highway, I thought I might not live through this.  I still wonder.

I sought help and some came through though qualified.  So much energy is lost to the ground and I am a mess most days.  Somewhere in there, a small, somewhat still voice mentioned that I could focus on what works and move slowly and try to find out where my light was snuffed out and relight the torch.  This is just an idea and I shall finish it and learn some things along the way.  This will be a journey and I am my only company.  I am going to find the main highway but I am in no rush to do so.  Maybe just maybe. As Dan Pallotta tried to tell us, "Your moment will come."

For now, I am training to run the Iron Girl 1/2 Marathon in November and the Austin 1/2 in February of 2014.  I find myself and my breath and my effort way out there as I run my way to health and hopefully back to sanity after coming close, so very close to calling it quits. The life I save may be my own and that makes it worth the effort of a lifetime.