Hard Candy Christmas

I was scooting down the Avenue we use to get to and from the heart of town, having mailed packages from our wee community P.O. to my family in Texas, found an extra cookie sheet at the store and then sought vegan chocolate-not so easy for Santa!-and on came that Dolly Parton song that I love so much. I turned it up with my window down on this cold, clear day nearing to Christmas.

 How did Dolly know so much back then? Her voice is crystal clear as she sings about a difficult holiday that she is finding things to be grateful for, though very bittersweet. OK, so I started crying and I do mean streaming down my face and wondering why. At first thinking I am crazy and then, realizing that this is how I show up for life, my life, I remembered the wish I had almost 27 years ago on Christmas in 1985, that I would get sober and find my feelings.

I realized that I have said goodbye to many things this year and it is just all that catching up to me, in the Mini, on the way home on a clear, blue, cold day here. This is our first Christmas without Ginger and we are all still feeling the emptiness of the third dog bed.  I think Omi is affected the most as she continues to vocalize, mournfully, about her sadness each day.  We each find the loss of Ginger still ever present.  How could it be any other way?

I have said goodbye to many things this year including a difficult friendship, job offers and jobs in particular, my beloved Prickett's Nursery, Friends House as a benevolent campus, a trip to Austin that I hoped would change our lives and a spiritual community that I had thought held me dear.  Loss is part of the fabric of life and I know that in a very sharp way. Hard candy.

I have much to say greetings to for the new year.

For 2013,I wish to find new friendships that are truthful and loving, new employment that fuels my search to serve others and be seen for who I am instead of who I could pretend to be in the interview, a great job for my partner who was laid off unceremoniously and continues to hunt for something better just like me, a spring garden and a truckload of fresh mulch for another season and a trip to the desert.  I want to see the sunrise over Monument Valley and hike down into the Grand Canyon again.  I yearn for it.

I want to find a bagpipes teacher and begin to learn to play the pipes.  I want to travel to Hawaii and snorkel again in those healing waters.  I want to see more of the people I love and keep them close in my thoughts as we traverse 2013. I want to learn to do stained glass. I want to be more present, meditate much more. I want to stop judging others, including my broken self, and just love them.

There is some hard candy for this Christmas with tears, and joy and gratitude for life and everyone who has helped me this year. Thank you and bless you all.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaRp9j4Faec