My brother-in-law sent me this youtube link today and I started my job search this morning with something moving and cried.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kt3Utn4mjeg&feature=player_embedded
I cannot help but notice that the audience rose as my emotions did while watching and listening and I think I know why too. All of us judged the young couple by how they looked before we had a chance to find out how stupid we all are for doing the same thing at once.
We all heard something incredible from someone we had decided could not be successful or brilliant or just plain incredible because of how they look. And we were all astonished as they proved us totally wrong. I love that. I just love that. I think we love the irony that the voice behind the image brings to us because each one of us feels left behind because of the judgements of others. Almost all of us know what that feels like and stomping on that assumption is a glorious victory.
So if you are too purty to relate, you don't have to listen. Or you can wonder what it is like to be stigmatized and still sing with the kind of fury that some kind of divine gift brings into the room. Paybacks are a you-know-what.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Laughter And Gluten-free Recipes
Last night we went to see Lily Tomlin in our podunk town of aging baby boomers. As is her style, Lily came on stage full of that energy that is amazing, brilliant and funny. I laughed so much and smiled so much that my face hurt when it was all over. A respite from any troubles in life, laughter doesn't mean you have to be anyone special or have a job or be pretty or even laugh correctly. Laughter is unavoidable if you want it. It just comes right in and tickles you and then you find yourself pounding your knee in exclamation!
Most of us in the audience were old enough to have watched Lily Tomlin on Laugh-In and been fans ever since. We all laughed knowingly in the same parts of her routine and in unison. We are the aging population of baby boomers and their trailing edge siblings. We actually remember that era of television when there were only seven channels locally and cell phones had not entered our world like a cancer never to be outlived.
Other gravity defying recreation has involved a new cookbook for me-Babycakes Covers The Classics by Erin McKenna. I am attempting to illuminate or expunge gluten from my diet and it isn't that easy. The bread is like dried out cardboard and my attempts at making cookies has been a real joke that should not cause laughing. In fact I tried some online recipes from a blog I won't mention and they became doorstops that were tasteless and dry. I then tried converting old favorites into gluten-free objects of desire and they came out flat and crumbled into a pile of ingredients. I am a bad cook but something was really wrong here.
So, I splurged and bought Erin's new cookbook and we shall see. Some of the recipes are beyond me and I love her writing style and the idea of making gluten-free donuts. She makes me laugh. I really just wish she had a bakery here so I could go and eat through the display cases. Guess I shall have to work harder since I live in podunk northern California. Just the same, check out Erin's website for some fun: http://www.babycakesnyc.com/about.html
I am going to keep trying to have some more fun today even though it is rainy out there because Monday comes whether we have a job or not, whether we worry about our lives or not and whether decisions about what to do next are clear to us or not. Laughter can always lead the way because it doesn't cost a cent.
Most of us in the audience were old enough to have watched Lily Tomlin on Laugh-In and been fans ever since. We all laughed knowingly in the same parts of her routine and in unison. We are the aging population of baby boomers and their trailing edge siblings. We actually remember that era of television when there were only seven channels locally and cell phones had not entered our world like a cancer never to be outlived.
Other gravity defying recreation has involved a new cookbook for me-Babycakes Covers The Classics by Erin McKenna. I am attempting to illuminate or expunge gluten from my diet and it isn't that easy. The bread is like dried out cardboard and my attempts at making cookies has been a real joke that should not cause laughing. In fact I tried some online recipes from a blog I won't mention and they became doorstops that were tasteless and dry. I then tried converting old favorites into gluten-free objects of desire and they came out flat and crumbled into a pile of ingredients. I am a bad cook but something was really wrong here.
So, I splurged and bought Erin's new cookbook and we shall see. Some of the recipes are beyond me and I love her writing style and the idea of making gluten-free donuts. She makes me laugh. I really just wish she had a bakery here so I could go and eat through the display cases. Guess I shall have to work harder since I live in podunk northern California. Just the same, check out Erin's website for some fun: http://www.babycakesnyc.com/about.html
I am going to keep trying to have some more fun today even though it is rainy out there because Monday comes whether we have a job or not, whether we worry about our lives or not and whether decisions about what to do next are clear to us or not. Laughter can always lead the way because it doesn't cost a cent.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Cleaning Up Our Act
"When suffering arises in our lives, we can recognize it as suffering. When we get what we don't want, when we don't get what we do want, when we become ill, when we're getting old, when we're dying-when we see any of these things in our lives, we can recognize suffering as suffering. Then we can be curious, notice, and be mindful of our reactions to that. Again, usually we're either resentful and feel cheated somehow, or we're delighted. But whatever our reaction is, it's usually habitual. Instead, we could see the next impulse come up, and how we spin off from there. Spinning off is neither good nor bad; it's just something that happens as a reaction to the pleasure and pain of our existence. We can simply see that, without judgment or the intention to clean up our act." -The Pocket Pema Chodron
Friday, March 16, 2012
Polishing The Crystal
I am all too familiar with what it means to be unemployed and it can be challenging to find ways to give back to life and remain engaged. That sounds so Jean Luc Piccard but then, I am an old Trekkie. I have lined up at least one volunteer stint and I must say, it is an amazing place to be giving my time away to a superb cause.
The food bank where I also volunteer inherited an antique store that has been revitalized by two brilliant men who know merchandising and antiques. Actually, there appears to be a team of people who volunteer who know about the value of very old things.
I show up to dust and clean. I am a tiny droplet in an ocean of energy that makes the store a revenue source for the food bank. It has been, so far, a much different experience than most antique stores. Also, they play very danceable club music. There is a wonderful dog named Jacaranda who sits at the door and greets customers. When Jac is on duty, she wears pearls. No kidding. She is an awesome dog.
Mostly, I dust or clean and I have to hold my breath sometimes because the items are very breakable and I have to go very slow. I see so many incredible Martini glasses, fluted vases, china sets, teapots and much more. The crystal decanters yesterday were like holding something from Tiffany's. Such heft. The light from the windows refracts through the designs of these amazing pieces of art to a form of prismatic glory that is hypnotising.
It is a little like Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium with a purpose. Maybe more like a Leprechaun's dream of what being of service can really look like when you still feel like a kid in a candy store.
The food bank where I also volunteer inherited an antique store that has been revitalized by two brilliant men who know merchandising and antiques. Actually, there appears to be a team of people who volunteer who know about the value of very old things.
I show up to dust and clean. I am a tiny droplet in an ocean of energy that makes the store a revenue source for the food bank. It has been, so far, a much different experience than most antique stores. Also, they play very danceable club music. There is a wonderful dog named Jacaranda who sits at the door and greets customers. When Jac is on duty, she wears pearls. No kidding. She is an awesome dog.
Mostly, I dust or clean and I have to hold my breath sometimes because the items are very breakable and I have to go very slow. I see so many incredible Martini glasses, fluted vases, china sets, teapots and much more. The crystal decanters yesterday were like holding something from Tiffany's. Such heft. The light from the windows refracts through the designs of these amazing pieces of art to a form of prismatic glory that is hypnotising.
It is a little like Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium with a purpose. Maybe more like a Leprechaun's dream of what being of service can really look like when you still feel like a kid in a candy store.
Friday, March 9, 2012
An Old Woman And Her Zap Bicycle
Yesterday morning Elsie died. True, she was 97 and had lived many years of a hedonistic life that seems to have ended just how she would have planned for it, if she could tell us her story.
Elsie was a curmudgeon to some, willful, proud and suffering no fools in life. She was a Vassar graduate and a nudist in her early adulthood. Actually, that nudist thing was more of who she was to the very end. A great story goes around about Elsie answering the door for the cable guy in the buff. I would think that he was surprised by that and especially because she was in her late years by then. Makes me smile thinking about it.
While I toiled as a Gardener where Elsie lived, I would see her from time to time on her Zap bike. One sunny day while I pruned roses, I heard a strange noise coming down the walkway. There, scooting along at a higher rate of speed than safe was Elsie. Good thing no other elderly residents were strolling on the sidewalk because Elsie did not stop for other people. It made me grin to see her speed by. How could I not?
Another day, while I worked on the tree rings in the green outside of her apartment, she came to sit in the covered swing, in the sun. She fell fast asleep with her mouth open and I checked to watch her chest rise and fall. She appeared very peaceful and yet, to me, I saw the deep loneliness of a woman who has lived her life fulfilling her own desires and not much concerned with the feelings of others. Elsie was often abrupt though I admired her directness. She was not codependent and that is an immense freedom to me. Both edges of a very strong saber.
Elsie was known to ride her Zap bike over to Oliver's Market for groceries and a double latte-something she loved. She was 97 and so that is pretty damn amazing. I keep that memory of her, jetting by, to bolster my sadness at her death. However, I understand that the day before she died, Elsie had color in her cheeks and was on an adventure, on her Zap bike, for the perfect double latte.
I hope that I have the tenacity and fearlessness late in life that Elsie seemed to have right up to her take off. Ride on Elsie, ride on!
Elsie was a curmudgeon to some, willful, proud and suffering no fools in life. She was a Vassar graduate and a nudist in her early adulthood. Actually, that nudist thing was more of who she was to the very end. A great story goes around about Elsie answering the door for the cable guy in the buff. I would think that he was surprised by that and especially because she was in her late years by then. Makes me smile thinking about it.
While I toiled as a Gardener where Elsie lived, I would see her from time to time on her Zap bike. One sunny day while I pruned roses, I heard a strange noise coming down the walkway. There, scooting along at a higher rate of speed than safe was Elsie. Good thing no other elderly residents were strolling on the sidewalk because Elsie did not stop for other people. It made me grin to see her speed by. How could I not?
Another day, while I worked on the tree rings in the green outside of her apartment, she came to sit in the covered swing, in the sun. She fell fast asleep with her mouth open and I checked to watch her chest rise and fall. She appeared very peaceful and yet, to me, I saw the deep loneliness of a woman who has lived her life fulfilling her own desires and not much concerned with the feelings of others. Elsie was often abrupt though I admired her directness. She was not codependent and that is an immense freedom to me. Both edges of a very strong saber.
Elsie was known to ride her Zap bike over to Oliver's Market for groceries and a double latte-something she loved. She was 97 and so that is pretty damn amazing. I keep that memory of her, jetting by, to bolster my sadness at her death. However, I understand that the day before she died, Elsie had color in her cheeks and was on an adventure, on her Zap bike, for the perfect double latte.
I hope that I have the tenacity and fearlessness late in life that Elsie seemed to have right up to her take off. Ride on Elsie, ride on!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Comeuppance Came And Went
I spent some time as a volunteer today trying to use a shovel to improve trails in my favorite hiking spot. I felt fortunate to do something, anything actually, to give back to the place where I feel peace and revel in the view. The weather was spectacular and many people showed up to help.
As in life, there were the obvious know-it-alls that seem to come with life. I chose the smaller crew and just listened and walked slowly at times to enjoy the sounds of birds, wind in the trees and all that emerald green. It was such a lovely get away from my place of confusion. I am grateful to LandPaths for all that they do to allow the public onto open space lands so that we can breath and walk without having to be anyone special.
Unfortunately, I found out, at day's end, that Mr. Big II, the holy man from Israel that I worked with, had been given the "Employee Of The Month" award at my former job. My blood began to boil with that news. This man, so trite in his holiness, offered harassment and continuous negative comments about my work every day. I tried a variety of ways to deal with his derision including rigorous honesty and tolerance. I tried and I tried.
It is important to note that I had no less than two meetings with the Supervisor who gave out this award, stating my ongoing feelings of harassment, isolation and criticism that were unwarranted. Although he seemed to understand, he did nothing. Eventually, I chose to leave and save my own hide. Today, that seems like the absolute right thing to do in every way.
Comeuppance may have come and gone with "Employee Of The Month" but not my truth.
Needless to say, I miss the residents, the campus and the sense of belonging that my job brought. I do not miss the tension in my body every day that I felt in danger.
It is important to note that I had no less than two meetings with the Supervisor who gave out this award, stating my ongoing feelings of harassment, isolation and criticism that were unwarranted. Although he seemed to understand, he did nothing.
Comeuppance may have come and gone with "Employee Of The Month" but not my truth.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The Wheel Of Fortune
Yesterday afternoon as I was jetting down Hwy 12 westbound, I almost bought my lunch as two cars collided and spun off into the median. I was, fortunately, in the right hand lane because another car had just been tailgating the hell out of me and I moved over to let that freaking bully get off my butt. Now, I feel lucky to have had the chance to get angry and do something about it that may have saved my life.
One just doesn't know what is coming and that is the mystery and the potential cause of fear in life. We can go both ways every time we take an action. For me, if I had been in the left hand lane, I may have hit one of those spinning cars head-on or just ended up in the mess. That quickly, my physicality here on this earth would have been tested and perhaps, ended. I feel grateful this morning, to have another chance to become complacent.
I am still a work in progress and so as I arrived at my afternoon volunteer gig, I was still there on the freeway watching a split second decision spin before me. Thankfully, the food bank moves fast and so I had many opportunities to move the eggs, fill zip-lock bags with pasta, help a client to her car with her groceries, pet a dog, smell some rosemary growing near the door, joke with another volunteer and ask the young St. Brigid about her last semester of high school.
I also met the new Food Drive Coordinator and congratulated her. Truthfully, I wanted to apply for the job as the food bank is one of my favorite places. I did not have the qualifications and yet when I met her very, very young self, there was that stab of understanding that I often have. I am old now or at least, on paper. The great jobs often go to younger job seekers. It is as much an understanding of how that feels unfair as an understanding of the fact that I am getting way too old to be a job seeker. I dyed my hair for the last job interview and yet I cannot hide the furrows emerging on my Celtic face.
I am unsure if our new Food Drive Coordinator realized what a coup she just pulled off by becoming an employee at a food bank where clients are not just served, they are loved. In fact, you can be anyone you are, client or volunteer, and you are loved. It is an amazingly bright place that offers food to the 650 men, women and children in Sonoma County living with HIV. It is also amazing because with a small hand full of paid staff, the food bank runs on the energy of volunteers who make the place hum.
Today, on this golden morning in Northern California, where the chickadees, the resident blue jay and a pair of mourning doves all came to eat seed, I give thanks to the many people in live whom I love and wish them a glorious Sunday in March. May we all travel in the slow lane this week and appreciate another day of life.
One just doesn't know what is coming and that is the mystery and the potential cause of fear in life. We can go both ways every time we take an action. For me, if I had been in the left hand lane, I may have hit one of those spinning cars head-on or just ended up in the mess. That quickly, my physicality here on this earth would have been tested and perhaps, ended. I feel grateful this morning, to have another chance to become complacent.
I am still a work in progress and so as I arrived at my afternoon volunteer gig, I was still there on the freeway watching a split second decision spin before me. Thankfully, the food bank moves fast and so I had many opportunities to move the eggs, fill zip-lock bags with pasta, help a client to her car with her groceries, pet a dog, smell some rosemary growing near the door, joke with another volunteer and ask the young St. Brigid about her last semester of high school.
I also met the new Food Drive Coordinator and congratulated her. Truthfully, I wanted to apply for the job as the food bank is one of my favorite places. I did not have the qualifications and yet when I met her very, very young self, there was that stab of understanding that I often have. I am old now or at least, on paper. The great jobs often go to younger job seekers. It is as much an understanding of how that feels unfair as an understanding of the fact that I am getting way too old to be a job seeker. I dyed my hair for the last job interview and yet I cannot hide the furrows emerging on my Celtic face.
I am unsure if our new Food Drive Coordinator realized what a coup she just pulled off by becoming an employee at a food bank where clients are not just served, they are loved. In fact, you can be anyone you are, client or volunteer, and you are loved. It is an amazingly bright place that offers food to the 650 men, women and children in Sonoma County living with HIV. It is also amazing because with a small hand full of paid staff, the food bank runs on the energy of volunteers who make the place hum.
Today, on this golden morning in Northern California, where the chickadees, the resident blue jay and a pair of mourning doves all came to eat seed, I give thanks to the many people in live whom I love and wish them a glorious Sunday in March. May we all travel in the slow lane this week and appreciate another day of life.
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