The Good, The Bad And The Very Ugly

It is Monday in our part of the world, though in my workworld, it is Thursday.  The weather has been cold with clouds shielding the sun that beats down upon the nursery from time to time and a chill wind blowing.  I have donned a sweatshirt in the mornings as I let the two chickens out of their chicken house to roam the nursery and have their chicken days of pecking around and appearing in the the five gallon section, unexpectedly to me, as I heft a big plant for a customer.  Those chickens are patient and pretty smart.  Some of the best worms lie beneath those heavy containers that have sat for some time and been watered continuously.  Lucy and Gertrude.  Smart girls wearing chicken suits.

However, even though business is slow and I have watched as two part time employees have left to find other pastures in which to work and now a third, I show up for work and help people solve plant problems, help old women find plants for their hanging baskets, joke with people, try to joke with the few cranky ones that I meet, walk, walk, walk and generally, be so grateful to have a job that welcomes me.  We have some fun and it is fast paced.  However, change is constantly in the air, including the tenure of our location.  Added to that is the fact that I am a summer employee though I work with good people who work hard and mostly shine brightly. The Good.

At lunch, I sit and eat and watch the sky.  A simple half hour and I ponder my life and how I came from an Advanced Appraiser III to nursery worker.  There is a story there and I try so hard to understand what has happened in the last two years.  Sometimes I just rerun the past and yearn for relief from all the stress that my partner and I are living with these past few weeks.  Today, at lunch, I called her and we talked about her difficult day.  She deserves so much better and so much more.

Friends House, what was once a beloved community of Quakers and those like minded, is now a corporate-run retirement facility.  The D.O.N. is the same nurse Diesel that was put in place by the pathetic board who has rolled over and peed on itself.  Nurse Diesel has fired many, many loyal workers and no one seems to care anymore.  She is still at it.  Then there is the incompetent Executive Director who drives a Lexus big enough to house a family of eight and their dog with room to spare and the Resident Services person- Ms. Piggy herself.  The Unholy Trinity.

Today, my partner was told that her job will be ending and yet they were vague as to when.  The new management company is rumored to be rubbing their hands together hoping to buy Friends House at a time when it is down on its knees.  Ah, Pacific Retirement Services of Oregon is about to get even richer.  However, my partner has been dismissed without any appreciation for her years of service and dedication.  Although an old story in America, the deep wound of the lack of respect, dishonesty, rudeness and downright callousness with which she was informed of her impending departure lies within each of us tonight.  Her ridiculous Supervisor mentioned while telling my partner she would no longer be needed after 11 years of service, that imparting this dictate "was very hard for her." It really is not nor ever will be all about her but she seems to be so self involved that it is, in fact, always about her.  Even my partner's layoff notice.  The Bad and The Very Ugly.

Each day, we pack our lunches and go on towards the day and each day brings more questions for me about loyalty, kinship, love and honesty.  Each day, I am left wondering what this all means and how will we make it up out of here?  Is anyone listening?  Thank you Prickett's for keeping the home fires burning. Thank you for believing in me.  Bless you.

The Trail Of Breadcrumbs

Today was my second day off and, as we have done in the past two weeks, my partner and I tried to find something fun to do together in order to stay connected in this difficult time in life where every facet of our lives together  has been upended.  We hiked Willowcreek and there was no one else there on the 3,373 acres of State Park land with LandPaths stewardship.  It was windy with fog near the ocean and as the wind blew across the dry grass bonnets, it freed our troubled minds.  We were together and outside in the beauty of nature and that, in itself, is about divinity.

This week one of our pack of ex-racer Greyhounds had her fourth seizure and she is home and dealing with being drugged.  As she is the least pain tolerant hound of the pack, it is much harder for her.  Harder for us as we both talked about what it would mean for her life and ours in this time of stress and great transition.  We agreed that we would be there for her and one another regardless and we each hope we can have a break from any other decision on her behalf.

I must say that often, as I fall asleep, I am jerked awake by my terror of our future.  That is my unconscious surging to the surface as I fall under the waves of sleep.  My unconscious, the story that runs behind my day, is about worry, anxiety and the reality of needing to move onward but having no way of getting on the bus. 

For each of us, we are experiencing isolation from others, the desert of economic crisis in the world and in our checkbooks, fear and sometimes panic for me.  I am the glass is half empty girl and thankfully, my partner usually is drinking from a glass that is half full. However, even she is having a hard time with the level in the glass as her job continues to be in jeopardy, her income has almost halved itself, her beloved dog is chronically ill and her sons are no where to be seen.  Sometimes, it is bleak for her as well.

I am trying harder to put her needs first, even as my own fear increases and hurts my ears.  I am doing my best to trust in a force greater than myself to guide my actions and belay my terror. I ask questions, directly, of that power, much greater, wondering what is coming and when and how and just how do we point ourselves east where opportunity beckons. 

For me, sometimes this blog is all that could potentially remain of my mark on the world through the miraculous technology of the "Net." I speak my mind and leave a trail of breadcrumbs through this patch of dirt that is dry, sun baked and unforgiving.  It is a trail nonetheless.

A Bee Sting And A Dog Having A Seizure

This morning our dog Ginger had two seizures before sunrise.  It is alarming enough to wake to an alarm yet the repetitive sound of dog nails against the floor and walls is an anthem cry for breaking to the surface of sleep.  It is a frenzy of wracking limbs and dog saliva that woke us today.  Ginger got through it to go to the dog E.R. and a drip anti-convulsive medication that may give us more time with her. It may be a brain tumor or a blood clot and that is as advanced as Veterinary medicine has gotten us today.

After the last seizure came and went I realized that my left hand was becoming twice its' size during the night, well after a bee sting from the nursery where I work.   For me, that meant putting off my arrival at work to go to Kaiser to see if my hand and arm would get even bigger.  Given that my job is not with benefits, that meant no money was made today.  As my salary is very, very small, it was a toss up and a violent beginning to what has been a very slow day spent on the couch with my hand in the air and an anti-biotic.  Ginger's absence has made all of us, humans and dog friends sad and listless. 

Somethings need to change radically around here with our lives and yet we slug onward, doing what we can to live each day.  I pray to the divine entity of my understanding for a break, a chance, some peace.  I could use my index finger and hand palm back to normal size, as a beginning and a fresh start with new adventures, new friends and family close by.  I "wish I may" and I "wish I might."

My Sister Once Told Me

I have come home from Texas and New York this summer to work in a plant nursery and it has been a great balm for those things that go bump in the night.  Recently, like most of us traveling the Internet highway, a friend ripped me a new one via email.  I must say that I have had friendships ended in a variety of ways, including email and even a voice mail from my "best friend" about seven years ago.  So, I could use this week's rip and tear via email as a lesson in letting go of the ways people choose to end friendships. 

Other friendships seem to be ending too as I am working weekends and trying to have a day for myself when I get there to wash my sweet car, hang with the dogs, read, sleep on the couch and run like a girl. The other day is a work in progress as my partner and I try to hold onto each other through this retail boot camp of mine. So my chance to commune with my peeps is limited and the natural occurrence of friendships for a season or a reason are real and shedding themselves.  I have my own regrets and yet I know that it is just as well. 

My sister once told me as I was resurrecting from a painful divorce, that "if you want a friend, be a friend."  Outside of my own failings to choose well and be present, I have been just that.  However, I have learned to treat others with the golden rule in mind, even though, they do not always want to hear what I am saying.  I wish my life were different right now and I am ready to move on to other places where I can meet new people and share memories more easily and without so much drama.  Austin beckons and The Barton Springs Nursery.  http://www.bartonspringsnursery.net/

May peace prevail in our lives tonight and may each one of us find a way to let the faster traffic pass on the left without hitting the brakes just to be mean.

Rollerskating In The Driveway Of Life

My oldest sister told me that the day I was brought home from the hospital, after I arrived on planet Earth, she was rollerskating in the driveway.  I love that image as I feel that my sisters are such amazing people.  As today is my birthday, I am thinking of my family.  I am very fortunate to have such heroes that came before me.  My sisters have been right there for me many, many times and though we are survivors of very troubled childhoods, we have accepted and loved one another through troubled times.

I went to work today and I am also very lucky to be employed.  With unemployment at 11% in CA, I can say I am lucky to be working and very grateful to my employers and to my stalwart, fun, patient and hard working co-workers.  This afternoon they all hid in the office and I was beckoned there to receive their Happy Birthday song, a great card and ice cream cake.  I cried at their kind, thoughtful and generous love.  I am very fortunate and I know that every day because there has been such a drought before Prickett's Nursery gave me a chance.  Thank you David and Deanna.

I am deeply touched by this spot in life and I want to pass on the love I have been receiving and I hope that, even in troubled times, I give to others as I have been so freely blessed.  To my family in Texas and my new family in New York, and my wonderful partner, I send you love and cake and let us meet up in the driveway for some rollicking rollerskating!

Lady Liberty And A Long Journey Homeward

We are home tonight back in California and I am strangely awake.  I should be jet lagged and maybe I am.  It is 1 AM in NY but I am here at my computer.  The dirty laundry we trucked home has been done along with watering the roses, feeding the dogs and sorting our trinkets.  I am very awake and thinking about the many strange and wonderful things that I experienced over the last week.

To say that New Yorkers live a frenetic life is not exactly true.  They certainly drive like maniacs and we got lost several times coming back to Long Island from Woodstock even with the GPS.  The interchanges of freeways seemed utterly insane to me and made my heart race wildly as we could see the next decision to make looming on the GPS screen.  My partner was amazing at the wheel, driving through all that chaos at breakneck speed.  I was horrified by that part of our vacation.  I am a wimp in traffic but I have an appreciation of our Northern California ridiculous freeway now!

We stood in line on Sunday for two hours in order to take the ferry to Liberty Island.  A childhood dream of mine- standing at the bottom of the Statue of Liberty, we decided to join the teaming masses and wait for her.  We ate street made pretzels with salt-yum!-and people watched in the sun and humidity.  I could see the top of the Empire State building as we shuffled along and one of the Freedom Towers being built near ground zero.  There were people of many nations there in line with us and we all waited to see her for about two hours together.

Needless to say, even with a child's excitement alive and well inside of me, I was in awe as we walked around the base of the statue looking up.  How can I explain something so inspiring, grand and imbued with meaning?  You just have to see her, in the flesh, to understand. 

We then drove to upper New York state and it was absolutely beautiful. It is lush and brimming with an effervescent green that I have never seen.  The humidity was torturous though which seems to create all that green.  Just the same, I was amazed. We stayed in a B & B run by very quiet people who we later found out are Buddhists.  No wonder the house was so still.  Their calm pervaded even with a house full of New York guests for the Memorial weekend. This home was built circa 1700 and then turned into a B & B. They fed us like royalty and I left feeling full in many ways.

We got lost coming back to Long Island but made it thanks to my sweetie.  It was arduous and tense.  New Yorkers aren't any more generous than Northern California drivers it seems.  Yet we had dinner with my partner's family and packed up our stuff to come home today. It was fun and we laughed together as we ate.  They offered us a way to make a deeper committment to one another and that was such a sweet gift.

On the plane home I fell into a deep, exhausted sleep, waking up at different points and falling back into that pool of fatigue several times.  The flight was bumpy but I slept through it.  That is a miracle and I am grateful for it since I am terrified of flying.  Onto the bus at SFO and then to our car finally in Sonoma County, we are home now.  It is hard to adjust even though we are tired and re-entry can be difficult to bridge back into our lives. My partner may lose her job soon and I am only working for the summer. However, I have one more day off and I am going for a run first thing and feel my lungs stretch and the cadence of my stride bring me back to earth.

I am so very grateful to New York for the chance to join others who wish to gain the simplest of civil rights others easily enjoy.  I am honored to have been able to marry and there were many obstacles that tested us along the way.  We adjusted and found fun and adventure nonetheless. Not bad for a couple of country girls from Northern California.  Not bad at all.

Judge Tingling And A Sunny Day In NYC

Today we got married in New York City.  It was a long journey to this point with more than a few obstacles that started to make it seem like we would not make it to the court today.  However, as in life, our love prevailed and the generosity of my partner's sister and her husband, native New Yorkers.

In NY gay men and lesbians are allowed to get married by the justice at the New York City Clerk.  One must wait 24 hours after filling out the application or get a waiver.  Yesterday, we spent half of the day getting there to file the papers and waiting for our number to come up to complete the task.  We also went to see Times Square and Central Park and all that and just being a country girl in NYC was over the top.  Unimaginable really and just like the movies. 

On the train back to Long Island where we are staying, we got on no less than three wrong trains, then the cab got lost too and home to a bit more drama than we each could handle.  Almost.  Maybe that was the shining glory test of our devotion.  Funny how knowing one another for many years before today can make it difficult and also perfect to weather storms that are part of life.

We  woke early and went to NYC.  When we got there, the court bailiff told us that the judge was available for about 30 minutes more to do our marriage ceremony.  We just made it and walked into Room 321 and into an almost empty courtroom with worn wooden tables and chairs and an enormous group of words above the judge's bench that reads: IN GOD WE TRUST. Indeed. 

One couple was there to be married and we watched as Justice Tingling entered and summoned them to the front of the bench.  He was funny, erudite, insightful, real and very loving.  We, their audience of four, cried and clapped when they pronounced them husband and wife.

Our turn came and we came before Judge Tingling who stood and joked with us to ease our tension.  He directed our commitment to one another and I started crying.  Judge Tingling's message, above everything else he said to us, is that many people come before him, and many same sex couples from California.  He encouraged us to take our love and spread it to the rest of the world with pride and strength.

We cried, we committed to one another for life and we hugged and left Judge Tingling's courtroom better humans. We had a big lunch together and met another couple who had been married the day before.  Two men from North Carolina who traveled to NYC.  From all corners, we come to NYC to be recognized and respected and we received a blessing much bigger than we could have dreamed. I thought of my own family in Texas and how much their love heals me and made me want to make sure they know that.  To all of you in Texas, I love you!

We then walked to the World Trade Center Memorial and spent the next few hours in a place of reverence that surely met our spiritual leapfrog.  I have always wanted to see that sacred place and remember the many who died  that day and gave their lives saving others.  For me, the heart of NYC is within a simple truth that rings loudly in every corner of the city.  Love, respect and compassion are everywhere in as much as the exotic, beautiful faces of multi-ethnic brides and grooms in the clerk's office of the New York City Clerk. 

Thank you New York.  Bless you!